The Porridge

America's Most Serious Broadsheet
All of Scotland apparently “just working away”
6th March 2013


The findings of a study released by the Scottish Government Social Research Group has conclusively shown that all of Scotland apparently spends their time “just working away”. The study asked a sample of 56,310 Scots a variety of questions, including “hey, what have you been up to?”, “so, what are you doing with yourself these days?” and “keeping busy?”, all of which resulted in 99.7% of participants beginning their answer with the phrase “just working away”. For 63% of those sampled, this phrase was their entire answer to the question.

A beaming Alex Salmond pointed to the studies findings as “undeniable evidence of the tireless work ethic of Scots”, with Scottish Liberal Democrats leader Willie Rennie stating that the results showed that people were either lying or “lead desperately boring lives”. Rennie then went on to give an unasked for list of his hobbies and a string of live music and theatre events he has attended in the past month alone. The Lib Dem MSP then had to excuse himself as he had to go meet a friend for a coffee.

The mean number of working hours in Scotland was calculated to be 35 hours per week which, subtracting sleep and meal time, leaves around 86 hours entirely unaccounted for in any given week. A large portion of this apparent free time falls on the weekend, though researchers are at a loss to describe what events and activities are actually being participated in during this time. When questioned on their weekend plans test subjects would only respond that they were either “having a quiet one” or “resting”, after having a busy, albeit sedentary, working week in the office. Added test participants, “nothing interesting really, yourself?”