The Porridge

America's Most Serious Broadsheet
SNP claim Team GB as part of independent Scotland
17th June 2013

Following warnings from “Better Retired” cyclist Chris Hoy that Scottish athletes may initially suffer from independence, the SNP today announced that, along with the pound and the Queen, an independent Scotland would also lay claim to Team GB. Early indications show that the party are claiming majority ownership of the highly successful British sporting body.

Salmond insisted that sport and politics should remain completely separate, despite admitting that it was “handy” to be hosting the upcoming Commonwealth Games in the same year as the referendum. Meanwhile, Unionist supporters have been hoping for an abject and over-budget failure at the games, that will highlight incompetencies of the Scottish Government. Better Together have also raised concerns that the opening ceremony will be a two-hour pro-independence extravaganza, with the scheduled guest appearances from Sean Connery, Mel Gibson, Billy Connolly and Merida, the wee ginger thing in Disney blockbuster ‘Brave’.

The First Minister acknowledged the wealth of training facilities south of the border, which under SNP plans will still be accessible to Scottish athletes after independence. “They’ve got a great set-up down there, where our sportsmen and women work very closely with their English counterparts. Sometimes, it’s just better to do these things together. It really doesn’t make any sense to reform a perfectly working team into two separate bodies.”

Olympic swimmer Michael Jamieson, who claimed a silver medal in London last year, was quick to oppose the preservation of Team GB, suggesting that Scottish athletes, like the country, should “go it alone”. In Jamieson’s opinion piece in the Daily Record, he went on to question the entire training system currently in place and called for the end of “superfluous coaching staff”. The swimmer also cast doubt over his continued career, saying that the only “true race” is when he is alone in the middle of a loch. He did concede that not having to listen to “God Save the Queen” one more time would be a great relief.

Negotiations for Team GB are expected to begin next week, where a much anticipated game of Tic-Tac is to be played by the two captains, Salmond and Cameron. The Prime Minister is currently the bookies favourite to step on Salmond’s toe first, entitling him to first pick.

#sport  #Team GB  #Independence